I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

2010-12-23T00:03:00.001+08:00

Last post here. Gonna change my life around. :) I am gna live a more Christ centered life from now on.

2010-11-29T09:20:00.002+08:00

Let's strike a deal God, cause it's hurting too much inside. If, if I love everyone unconditionally, at least, if I try, would you stop taking them away from me? If I cared wholeheartedly and was there for them all the time, would you keep them for me?

If I tried harder, if I gave more, all that I had, can I just keep the few people that I love? If God, you keep them away from all the hurts and the pain and... everything and put them on me, would you please. If you could do that, please, do it.

I cried myself to sleep last night, again. I just want people to stop leaving. But yet, I'm so scared that if anyone sees the extent of my pain cause they leave, they'd leave anyhow, and I think that'd hurt the most.

I tried being brave yesterday, I tried. But it just all came crashing down nevertheless. I'm tired, I just don't want people to keep leaving. I always thought it wasn't something too much to ask for, I'm starting to realize, maybe it's the most difficult thing to ever ask for.

So sad, I am so sad. Not hurt not disappointed not bitter. Just sad, which isn't something I feel much. But now, I'm just sad.

2010-11-22T17:43:00.002+08:00

My dog kept biting me and I couldn't do anything and not I've got bite marks every where and scratches I can see my skin and here I am just crying cause. It hurts.

2010-11-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired.

Shut up, stop victimizing yourself. Others probably have it harder than you. Suck it up.

2010-11-20T21:42:00.001+08:00

Please stop crying charis :'(

2010-11-20T20:08:00.001+08:00

I don't know why I'm so affected by you....... and you and you.

Sheesh, what's wrong with me??????????????????????? Ugh.

Shut up, do your work.

2010-11-20T12:25:00.001+08:00

I miss you :'(

2010-10-16T19:39:00.001+08:00

I went to changi there today, where we went together, where I bluffed my mummy and said I was going for some musical (?) or something Haha. And I started guessing plane names by myself. My eyesight's deproved though. Still, it made me smile.

:)

2010-10-10T16:46:00.003+08:00

Time to move on, you're no longer the person I knew.

Not going to run anymore, just one shot. Not going to run from one for another whom I no longer know. Not going to run, cause there's going to be a point where I stop running and stop being afraid of being left. Too many times I've run because of you, be it memories or because I still feel for you. The fear or the love, right now, I can't point out which it is. But it's gotta stop, now, it's gotta stop.

Not dependent anymore. Not on you. You've never been there.

2010-10-09T20:19:00.003+08:00

Since when have you been someone to cry over results? Since when have you been on to be defeated? Enough crying now, it's okay if everything deproved, it's okay because this is not A's. Come on Charis, be brave, be braver than you've been, and press on, press on and don't give up.

I am sad, but I shouldn't let it overwhelm me. Pardon the self talk, I think I've been crying the whole day it should stop somewhere.

2010-10-04T21:17:00.001+08:00

If I could, I'd tell you not to change.
I'd tell you that you were perfect the way you are and you don't need to change.
Most importantly, I don't want you to change.

But then I ask myself, what right do I have to even think those thoughts.
None. And I slowly let them go.

Today was quite a horrible day. First was crying like a retard who was unable to stop. Laughing and crying at the same time, couldn't breathe couldn't stop. Like a retard. Then I had to snap at you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. We were both just in a bad mood, I wish I didn't. And sigh.

My eyes still hurt omg! This is crazy. I shouldn't have cried. Why did I?

2010-10-04T00:14:00.001+08:00

Sigh. Are we back to square one?

2010-09-30T19:39:00.002+08:00

Oh look. I failed GP too. :'(

I'm breaking. As much I don't want to, I know I am. And it's getting so difficult, to keep up this whole never give up thing. I printed a photo of you today grandpa, I'm sorry for all that I've become, how terribly lousy in everything. I miss you.

"Giving up" isn't in my dictionary. Remember that Charis? Please press on.

2010-09-28T17:30:00.002+08:00

Run the race and keep the faith.

Maybe tonight I'd let myself cry. But for now, I don't really want to. No point crying over spilt milk. Just gotta work harder, try harder. And never, never, never give up.

2010-09-27T21:38:00.002+08:00

I cried like a baby in the airport on Saturday during dinner in front of my parents. I think it's been such a long time that they've seen me cry they got pretty shocked and nice after that. But they got it wrong, I'm not upset about all that they thought I was upset over, I'm upset because I feel like I'm in A levels alone and it's not fair because they're in it with my brothers for his PSLE and O's.

Do you see it mum and dad?

I try to talk to you about it, bring it up and hope that somehow you'll get what I'm feeling inside. But why don't you? Why do you think it's that I feel everything that I don't. I just want to know you're in it with me, it's not fair.

But I guess, life never is fair.

2010-09-22T11:19:00.003+08:00

When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while. :)

I wanted to tell you that I felt like you weren't interested in building the friendship back up. And then I decided not to. Because I guess, I figured, sometimes, it's better to not rush things. Maybe then, things would fall into place better. :)

I feel so much better today. Although Physics was one big joke ahaha. But, I guess I've really come to understand that every day, is, brand new.

I shall aim for fass :) then further one more year in aus after I'm done in fass. I really can't imagine studying overseas. Don't want to anyway, never really wanted to. I like the comfort of knowing I have my friends and family right by my side. I like the comfort of having someone to talk to or meet up with whenever I think we've not talked for a very long time. I like it that I can be here if they need. I don't like the concept of being so far away for so long cause I know some of my friendships wouldn't last if I leave cos it's not strong enough. So I wanna stay, I really do. Fass, wait for me. :)

2010-09-20T13:57:00.001+08:00

Go Charis, a bit more. Press on, don't give up :)

2010-09-15T18:37:00.001+08:00

I decide what mood I am in. :)
I cannot decide what life throws at me, but I can decide how I'll face it.

With a smile on my face and love from my heart.
Is there anything that is impossible? I'll do it with the strength from my Lord.

2010-09-13T23:01:00.001+08:00

The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on for so long.

2010-09-12T22:01:00.001+08:00

Need. to. trust. and. stop. crying. :(

So scared. Why am I so scared?

Help. It's just an exam charis just an exammmm.

2010-09-12T20:38:00.002+08:00

Feels like every time I talk to you, I'm talking to myself.

And that every time I try to talk, you just don't wanna talk.

Hey babe,

Was it really nothing to you at all? Am I banging myself into the wall again? Don't you treasure our friendship at all? Cos if it's one sided, tell me at least. So I won't have expectations.

Omg, econs ahaha why the heck am I still on the comp -.-

DIE CHARIS!!!!

2010-09-11T00:27:00.001+08:00

You're right, it wasn't meant to be this difficult. But you still mean a lot to me.

2010-09-09T23:09:00.002+08:00

I guess what hurt the most was that you thought I didn't tell you anything, when the fact was, I told you the most. And it hurts the most, because it was then that I realized, so many things that seemed so big to me, was nothing to you.

You never realized, how much I trusted you and you took it for nothing.

2010-09-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

I am overwhelmed.

I am out of control.

I am scared.

God, help?

2010-09-06T23:02:00.001+08:00

I just bathed, and sang "draw me nearer to You" and I started crying.

Draw me nearer to You,

Nearer to You.

Fill my life with Your presence,

The way You want to.

Till my soul is ablazed,

Each and every day.

Draw me nearer,

Nearer to You.

So tired, I feel so tired and so stressed. So inadequate and tried. I have never studied for 10 hours straight. Today, I did. I want very badly to do well. But I know I can't do this alone.

As I fall on my knees and pray, would You please hear my cry.

2010-09-05T22:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really wna ask you,

Was it just nothing at all to you?

But then..... I guess as long as I know it meant and still means something to me, that's all that matters :)

2010-09-04T17:06:00.002+08:00

Sigh, tension in this house is so high too. Seeing mummy so vexed is kind of upsetting yet being unable to do anything about it. Sometimes I wish I could just say what I have in my mind, that everyone would be nicer to each other in this house. Snapping at the stupidest things. Never holding back anger, it's stupid, really. You know, sometimes, I wna come home because sometimes it seems like a refuge, but more and more recently, it's the total opposite. The fights, the rolling of eyes, the outright quarrels, it feels like time going backwards.

Hey mummy, I love you. Don't cry.

2010-09-04T09:10:00.001+08:00

Hehehehe finally below 41 ^^

Today is better, it'll continue to be better. Life goes on. :)

2010-09-03T22:00:00.001+08:00

Hurts,
It just really hurts.

Would you know all the things I've did for you?
No.

2010-09-01T23:04:00.002+08:00

Idk what this feeling is.
A little smile cos I know you're happy.
A little ache, for reasons I don't know why.

You think I don't share your joy, but, I'm really happy that you're happy. You have no idea.

That aside,
I should start eating for the sake of my exams. I am going to eat breakfast tmr. If not, I am gna hate myself for being this stupid.

2010-08-31T18:04:00.001+08:00

Why.is.my.weight.stuck.at.41. :(

2010-08-28T10:41:00.005+08:00

there's a shadow in the sun.

I feel like I'm losing my faith. Why, why? I try to trust, but for now, I really don't see the picture. I seek, but where are You. If You're trying to teach me a lesson right now, at least tell me what it is.

I just need You, where did You go?

In every season of my life, You are still God. And I know, I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow.

Teach me, to have unconditional love.

K, go go go go, this, too, shall pass. I shall try to go make someone happy haha. I think when you look beyond yourself, like what Mr Quek said, you'll find your own needs slowly fade away. Yes. Shall go post letters. Or..... something.

I keep wanting to learn to give and not count the cost. But it's so difficult. But, this time, I'm not giving up.

For I know, this is what I'm made to do.

Live by what you say charis, you haven't lost your smile, you just forgot it was right under your nose, smile cause you're loved.

2010-08-27T06:12:00.001+08:00

This's one of the days where I feel so heavy. Waking up with the urge of crying and just breaking down.

Maybe I've been trying to deny it for a long time,

But......

I'm tired.

2010-08-23T17:04:00.003+08:00

You see, the thing is, I can't bring myself to talk about it. I need to, and I want to, but I just can't bring myself to. There are times when I see you and I start tearing up. There are times when others talk about you and I just ask them to shut up. There are those rare times we exchange a line or two and it makes me feel so much better. Those times when you text me and when I see your name on new message I'll feel like things never changed. Then I get pissed cause you just suddenly decided to change and then I'd just give you one word replies and then eventually after a message or two, the conversation dies off. I want to talk to you but every time you text I just get angry. I'm angry with you, I'm angry with myself. And it just sucked when you said nothing changed cause I felt like I was the only one who was stupid enough to think you were a close friend. You could have told me ya things changed but you don't wanna tell me why. Even then, I think I wouldn't have been this hurt. You just simply erased the fact that we were good friends. That... like as if, we were always like this, like strangers all the while.

How did things come to this? I miss my friend.

How long am I going to take to let go of this friendship. Why do I suck so badly at letting go. Why do I always have to remember every single detail. Why can't I remember chem half as well as I do all these minute details, I think I'll pass already. Why do I always have problems letting go. Why.

Damn it.

I feel sick. My stomach hurts, my head keeps spinning. I hate how weak my body is. I wanna be stronger. Need to resist the urge to keep taking medicine and let my body fight it by itself. Almost lost my cool twice today, need more patience. I keep wanting to self isolate, lol. But then I remember I can't do that cause it'll just fuel all the crap feelings.

Wah lao, what is this. Ranting session ah charis leong -.- I hate people calling me lianne. Yuck.

OK SNAP OUT OF IT. ^^ jia you.

2010-08-15T09:08:00.003+08:00

I hate how conscious I am of my damn weight.
I hate the means I try to get myself lighter.
I hate how I can't stop eating.
I hate how heavy I am.

This....... sucks.

Needa stop eating, gotta stop eating. STOP.

2010-05-20T10:00:00.001+08:00

Omg I lost my excess weight in 2 days to normal. Thank goodness. 43.7 is seriously freaking scary. Like heaviest since sec 1. I was damn freaked out la. I could never ever do diets but I successfully did for the last 2 days ahahaha, that's how freaky it is.

Omg, I can finally eat in peace -.-
SUPPER SOON hahahahhahahaha.

2010-05-17T18:00:00.000+08:00

Omg Charis please stop eating........... :(

2010-04-09T19:28:00.004+08:00

I'm thinking of changing blog :) Should I? Or should I just stop blogging although it's almost impossible hahaha, I like to talk to myself.

It was like about a year ago, do you remember?

No one is going to know what I'm talking about. I don't know either -.-

You make me happy when you don't even do anything at all hahahaha.

I bought new shoes (Y)

Huang cheng tomorrow's going to be great :) They put in a lot of effort, I know.

I don't know what to do when I see you on monday :/

I don't do diets well, HAHA.

I needa start studying, sheesh. I don't wanna screw A's.

I bought something for you :)

Hahahaha, what the heck. This is a stupid post.

One day, go to the beach and take a look at the sunrise. That's how I feel every time I look at you.

So sweetttttttttttt.

2010-04-09T19:12:00.001+08:00

"This is for you, my best friend. The one person I can tell my soul to, who can relate to me like no other, who I can laugh with to no extent, who I can cry to when times are tough, who can help me with the problems of my life. Never have you turned your back on me or told me I wasn’t good enough or let me down. I don’t think you know what that means to me. You have gone through so much pain and you still have time for me and I love you for listening even when you’re dying inside. And I look up to you because you’re strong, and caring, and beautiful, even though you don’t think you are. And I hope you know that I’m always here to listen to you laugh and cry and help in all the ways that I can, and I will try to be at least half the friend you are to me. I hope you know I would not be the person I am today without you, my best friend. Thanks for being the friend who’s always believed in me, who’s always understood, who’s always accepted me, who’s always cared."

2010-04-08T22:25:00.001+08:00

Sheesh :/ complicated ttm. I never thought you'd feel that way.

2010-04-08T19:19:00.004+08:00

Me: What happened!
F: You not ignoring me meh?
Me: No... the line got cut off.
F: Oh you know what I said?
Me: What.
F: I thought you were going to "boo" me, so I just said "I know you're going to boo me", and then I just waited.

It put a smile on my face when I read that :)

2010-04-07T20:36:00.002+08:00

I wanna stay home with my kids next time.

If I have a daughter, I wanna bake cookies and muffins with her. I wanna read her story books and stroke her hair as she sleeps. I wanna take her to playgrounds, bring her on walks, take her to disney land, she needs to believe in fairytales. I wanna make sure I'm always there when she cries, I always wanna know when she's upset and give her hugs when she needs them. I don't want her to think that I want her to be strong, I don't want her to think that I expect her to be okay all the time, I don't want her to think that she has to be a grown up in the house even when she's 21.

If I have a son, I wanna learn all the computer games he's going to play so I can play it with him. I wanna know his friends so his friends can come over and home will really be somewhere he can go to. I wanna watch tv with him so we can laugh over the same things. I wanna bring him to cool exhibitions, maybe the equilivent of star wars back in the 90's or something like that. I wanna make sure he knows I love him and that I'm always proud of him no matter what. I wanna always be there for him and kiss him goodnight everyday.

If I have kids, I want them to know my arms are always there for them. And that I'll do whatever they like to do even if I don't like it because they need someone to cultivate their interests and passions. I wanna take them to parks and swings and I want them to have a childhood that may not be perfect, but one that's happy. One where they can look back and remember and smile. I want to take lots of pictures of them so they can look back and remember, and so I can too. I want them, most importantly, to know that they're loved. That whatever they go through, that they can come back home and cry or scream or laugh if they need to, that they never need to keep it in. That in the home that I'll have next time, there'll be no such thing as needing to be strong. Because they'll be my kids, and my kids will always be kids in my eyes, they need not be strong and they need not grow up, because I'll love them all the same.

2010-04-07T19:57:00.001+08:00

What do you want from me :'(

2010-04-07T19:13:00.002+08:00

2010-04-07T15:47:00.003+08:00

In all today, I figured something out. Don't think I'll say it here, but yeh.

It's going to be a new start. I'm letting go of everything and everyone. Starting it all over again, all from scratch, even if you meant the world to me before. That everyone means as much as anyone else right now, and everything everyone does is what I'll base my friendships on, not the past, not the future, but now.

I'm letting it all go.

2010-04-07T06:11:00.001+08:00

It's not working. I went to bed at 1, but I still couldn't sleep. And when I can't sleep, my thought wander. And I didn't wanna end up crying myself to sleep, but I did.

2010-04-06T22:31:00.001+08:00

望远镜看不见你你的心飞去哪里
无声飞行享受黑夜的静谧
别说对不起别让我伤了心才说
不是故意我却无法怪你
别说对不起别让我的爱情变成
廉价物品我却只能爱你
闭上眼[睛]却看见你想你的好代替无力
我相信你却开始不信任自己
别说对不起别让我灰了心
才说不是故意我却无法怪你
别说对不起别让我的爱情变得
小心翼翼我却只能爱你
用行动来证明你的决心
不要说说而已我想要的不只是sorry
啊无声飞行享受黑夜的静谧
别说对不起别让我伤了心才说
不是故意我却无法怪你
别说对不起别让我的爱情变成
廉价物品我却只能爱你

2010-04-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last change to feel again

2010-04-06T19:45:00.004+08:00

I almost accomplished the goal of not crying today and I'm kinda proud of myself for that.

I didn't cry until after school when I walked into that classroom and I wanted to say hi but you turned away. Just somehow, felt like everyone was gone, somehow, that everyone just left. That I can make all the effort I want, but at the end of the day it boils down to nothing. That's how I felt then I guess, right at that moment. And I walked out, and I started crying, walked out of school, crying. But other than that, I didn't cry today. Only teared in the morning and during lectures, but that's it. No outburst crying. I'm proud of myself for that.

I realized I can't be sad around those girls. Their crap and all the nonsense they tell me, really brightens up my day. I can zone out and tear and all that, but they can still find their way to bring me back to normalcy, if there's sucha word. I like being around them, even if I'm sad, because I have reasons to smile when I'm with them, somehow. Even if it's doing nothing, I wouldn't mind it. I was sitting in class with limmin during break listening to her phone songs and stoning, even in that, it made me smile.

It's tough alright, I don't deny it. I'm not that strong, but I'll be okay. Trust me, believe in me, I will be.

Thanks hun for the hug <3

I wanted to be alone after school, and I did. Sat there and did math, and did and did and did until I wanted to go crazy cause I couldn't do anything properly. I like being alone sometimes, sometimes I just need to clear my head.

I smiled quite a bit today, I think it's good, right? That even if it isn't really true, or whole hearted, at least I did, right? And slowly, bit by bit, I'll get better. I know it.

And inside, who's to say, no one changes much at all.

2010-04-05T23:18:00.001+08:00

"Here for you :)"

I know, and because you are, I know things are gna be okay.

2010-04-05T20:48:00.001+08:00

A new morning
of a
new life
without you.

So?

There will be others,
much finer,
much miner-er.

And until then,
there is me.

And because i treated
you
well,
I like me better.

Also, the sun rises.

2010-04-05T19:11:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it, all that's going through my head right now is, how am I going to survive school without crying tomorrow.

How.

2010-04-04T22:12:00.004+08:00

Today was tough again. I was literally tearing up the whole day, which kinda sucked. I wish you'd faster get back to me, cause then at least I know what to do, which way to turn. And not just stuck here. Sigh.

And I try so hard for you, why is it that it's never enough. Why.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

Anyhow, I'll be okay. I hope tomorrow's better.

Oh, and I've been trying to salvage things between us. But you're not helping. And I guess... I'm only going to try for so long. Are you going to get it, or not? Cause if you're not, you're not someone I'm going to try so hard for to hold onto. So. I don't know. Just a while longer if not I'm going to let this friendship go.

2010-04-03T21:59:00.005+08:00

I surrender all to You,
I surrender all to You.
I am nothing without You,
Jesus Christ, take my life, it's all for You.

I broke down again today. Like the day when you came for cell at Cy's house. Just kneeled there, and cried and cried and cried. I was asking God why. I wanted to know why all these was happening. I was asking God, if You loved me, You wouldn't do this to me, if You loved me, You wouldn't take anyone away from me. I felt like He didn't love me anymore, like He was so far away. I tried to still sing, I tried to still worship, I tried, but it just felt so... distant. I don't understand, I don't understand why I'm going through all these. I don't understand how He can let me go through all these if He loves me. And then Jayna shared about good friday. It made my heart cringe. He died, for me. He went through all that, for me. And as unworthy and undeserving as I am, He gave it all, for me. I still don't understand why I'm going through all these, and it doesn't make it any less painful than it is, I wish I didn't have to wipe away my tears and just continue there crying, but I don't doubt His love for me anymore. That, if He loves me that much, I know He won't forsake me, I know He won't put me through something for no reason at all.

I trust in You. I surrender.

Whatever happens, I know I've tried. And if God chooses to close the door, I'll obey. If He opens the door, I'll be thankful. I still hope that He opens it, of course. And I'm sure I'll be disappointed. But. This is when I know, that the dissappointment will pass, the hurt and betrayal will fade, and I know, that He's in control.

I never felt so loved in my whole life. I always asked God, do You love me. If You love me, show me. And today He did. Though it isn't a whole "happy" feeling I'm feeling inside right now. There's a sweet feeling. Not happiness, but loved. Where I know, I really know, that I'm loved. And it's not just head knowledge anymore, I felt it. I really felt it.

Jesus wept in despair, asking God to take away His cup from Him if possible, but if it was God's will, He would do it.

That impacted me a lot, spoke to me a lot. God, if You will, please open this door. But if it's your will to close it, I'll still love You, and I'll still obey you.

I surrender, all.

And now my sec1 hc boy's trying to make me smile. It's day like these where I find everything I do for them so precious, that, it pushes me, and encourages me, so much.

2010-04-03T08:42:00.000+08:00

2010-04-03T08:34:00.001+08:00

"There’s another way to survive this competition. A way no one ever seems to tell you about. One you have to learn for yourself. Number five: It’s not about the race at all. There are no winners or losers. Victories are counted by the number of lives saved. And once in a while, if you’re smart, the life you save could be your own."

2010-04-02T08:35:00.002+08:00

"If you need someone just to be around

Help put back the pieces that you've finally found

That's what I'm here for"

Woke up from a really stupid dream. Does real life have to haunt me in dreams too? Sigh.

But it was nice to wake up to a fb message from D. :) I think he's really nice, he remembers things I said which I don't even remember saying. Somewhat, he's the only guy who bothered to keep in touch after so long knowing I'm not the kind to keep in touch especially when we aren't close. I've always appreciated him but never really told him. And all the more appreciate him now, knowing what he's been through and I never knew anything. And if he never told me, I'd probably have thought everything was fine. I never knew he broke up, I never knew his family seperated. He's strong. Stronger than I'll ever be. I wish he was still my cell leader, he's still the best cell leader I ever had.

I kinda like to olympic creed.

"The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well."

Today'll be better. Because it's a choice I've gotta make. I'm going to make today a good day.

2010-04-01T21:28:00.001+08:00

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
YeahI'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

____

Listened to this song and I cried.

I wish you were here, I wish you were here to see me through this tough time. I wish you never left, so then now, things wouldn't be all so awful. :(

2010-04-01T18:20:00.002+08:00

Today was kinda horrible. I smiled as much as I could, I swear. Got back chem, wanted so much to just cry but I didn't because it'd just make everything awkward.

Took 67 back home, long long ride. And I listened to my Ipod and I just started crying. Goodness, I wonder how many times I actually have cried in public. But then lt started messaging me and it was ridiculously funny. So there I was, laughing and crying. I must have looked like a total wreck.

Walked home, really slow walk. I never noticed, but the trees along the main road are really pretty, a lot of flowers.

I know that all of you meant well, but it's not okay. It's not okay because I worked hard. It's not okay because this is the best I have. And if this is the best I have, how hard more do I have to push to get to where I want to.

I know it probably seems like nothing- Studies. But to me, it means a lot. Not everything, but a lot. Sometimes, I wish I were smarter, and other times, I'm thankful that I'm just the way I am, because I push myself so much harder to get to where others can so easily get to.

I don't know anymore, I'm just drained. But I know this, I won't give up. Because it isn't me. It's not me to give up.

2010-03-31T20:40:00.001+08:00

Hopefully with every drop of blood and every tear that falls, the pain would get too much to take and I'll eventually learn to forget you.

2010-03-31T20:20:00.000+08:00

I just wanna forget you forget you forget you forget you forget you forget you forget you. :(

Ah fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk/

2010-03-31T19:48:00.004+08:00

Fuck you.

2010-03-29T21:02:00.005+08:00

Tried to find the words, but they don't come out right.

Today's a sucky day. I could just curl up and lie on my bed the whole day. I feel like running away from all of these, but I can't. I can't even be myself around those I love anymore because I need to be strong, I can't cry and I don't wanna cry, or maybe I do. I don't know what I want. I started tearing again when they showed us topics for block test 2. I just finished my blocks 1, and you wanna tell me that everything from J1 to now will be tested for physics? I just started to tear up. Sigh.

I dreamt you left me too, and that was sucha nightmare. I just stood there and just stared as they took you away and then they killed me. Or something like that. And, I was scared.

Sigh. I wish I were stronger, you know? I wish I had the strength to really face up to all of these instead of wanting to run away, instead of just wanting to curl up and cry. Instead of just wanting to sink into someone's arms, for them to hold me up cause sometimes, it really feels like I'm too tired to hold myself up anymore.

I whacked myself so hard last night, my blood vessels kinda burst. I wish they didn't. It's so ugly now.

I wanna be happy. Everyone thinks I'm happy. And, deep inside, if I search deep down inside, I think I wish they knew I wasn't so I wouldn't have to keep this facade up.

The tears always well up in my eyes and they don't fall. I feel. Choked. I just wanna run away from this whole big mess. I see how everything's working out for everyone else and I can't help but ask, why isn't it working out for me too. If everyone else's life is starting to work out, why can't mine. Why'm I still floating, why'm I still hurting. Why can't I let go. Why am I so bad at letting people go, why am I so bad at letting people go. Why.

I just don't wanna be so dispensable in everyone's lives. Is that too much to ask for?

2010-03-29T19:55:00.005+08:00

“The one that is meant for us is going to be the hardest to get, the hardest to keep, and the hardest to accept because through all that the love will grow stronger. Love wasn’t made to be easy, otherwise we wouldn’t end up with the right person. We would end up with the first one who comes along. By struggling we single out the wrong ones and realize who really is the one.”

2010-03-29T19:55:00.003+08:00

"I hate how dispensable I am to people. I hate how people feel they can just forget about me, replace me, erase me without even a second thought. It’s like I don’t matter to anyone. And hey, I mean, I don’t blame you. I’m no one special. I just thought you were different. I had more faith in you. And you took that, ripped it up, shoved it in my face and walked away without ever looking back."

2010-03-29T19:55:00.001+08:00

“Love works in miracles every day: such as weakening the strong, and stretching the weak; making fools of the wise, and wise men of fools; favouring the passions, destroying reason, and in a word, turning everything topsy-turvy.”

2010-03-29T19:53:00.001+08:00

"It's like once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you like is going to break your heart."

I know. :(

2010-03-29T19:52:00.007+08:00

"Maybe the people who are the hardest to love, are the ones who need it most."

2010-03-29T19:52:00.005+08:00

“I think that’s what’s wrong with the world. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They’re sad, but they don’t cry. They’re happy, but they don’t dance or sing. They’re angry, but they don’t scream. Because if they do, they feel ashamed. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. So everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is.”

2010-03-29T19:52:00.003+08:00

“If there’s just one piece of advice I can give you, it’s this - When there’s something you really want, fight for it, don’t give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you’ve lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you’re gonna wish you gave it just one more shot.Because the best things in life, they don’t come free.”

2010-03-29T19:52:00.001+08:00

“I’m gonna hold you for the last time. I’m gonna cry, but afraid to not let it show. This is the hardest way to say goodbye ‘cause as you walk away I’m feeling so alone. I don’t understand, you had to leave, and and I’m not a part of your plan. We both agreed, but now I regret there are so many thing I should have said.”

2010-03-29T19:50:00.004+08:00

"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out; they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know, If you’re willing to take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular."

2010-03-29T19:50:00.003+08:00

“Sometimes you’re afraid to become a couple because you’re afraid of losing what you already have with that person. But life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they could have had. No one waits forever.”

2010-03-29T19:50:00.001+08:00

“When you’re in the present, you’re living your life. You’re not caught up in what could’ve been or what might be.”

2010-03-29T19:45:00.000+08:00

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.”

2010-03-28T23:21:00.002+08:00

It's not the same this time. I'm still right here for you. Since when have I left you. Hasn't it always been you leaving me. I'm right here to stay. To be here when you need me. I'm sorry, because I know you don't feel that I'm here. But from the bottom of my heart, I am. And always will be. Because you're you, you're special to me, no matter how much we've been through and how much we've wounded each other. I miss you, very much. I miss spending time with you, I think that's what I miss the most. Those afternoons where we just rot at your house and just watch csi cause I wanna, and then you'll wanna watch your disney channel and all that. I miss all of that. I miss you. I wish we didn't hurt each other, I wish we didn't end up this way. Because I know, even if you did hurt me and break me apart, I would still love you as much as I did from back then in sec 3. You were my best friend, and you were the only one who I could hang around in school with, who I felt comfortable with. The only one I would stay back after school with and we'll just stay in your class and talk and do crap. I miss you. Not for what I was to you, but what you were to me. My best friend babe. You were my best friend, and always will be.

Cheer up soon, because I'm sorry, I wish I understood, but to you, I don't.

I miss you, sometimes, I wish you missed me too.

2010-03-27T12:18:00.000+08:00

“I want to be remembered. I want to be thought of as that one girl who never let anyone get in her way. I want to be needed, I want to be cried over, waited on, wished for. I want to be strong, I want to be beautiful. I want to feel special. And I want to be with someone who can do all these things for me, from now until never.”

2010-03-27T11:51:00.001+08:00

“I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time. I’ll keep this as a constant reminder of the nights I spent holding onto him, and rest assured I’m moving on. I miss you less with each day you’re gone.”

2010-03-27T11:48:00.001+08:00

“I think we all - I think all of us - want to feel something that we’ve forgotten or turned our backs on because maybe we didn’t realize how much we were leaving behind. We need to remember what used to be good.If we don’t, we’ll never, ever recognize it.”

2010-03-27T11:46:00.001+08:00

“You can find the good in anyone if you give them a chance. They may disappoint you sometimes but they may surprise you too. Always remember this… you will never get to know someone until you listen to what’s in their heart.”

2010-03-27T11:45:00.001+08:00

“There’s that one moment, the moment when you’ve figured out just how much you’ve really let go, how much you’ve grown. It takes you back a step and it makes you think. It’s that moment when you can’t look back, yet you can’t see to look too far into the future. It’s the moment you realize you’ve living for yourself and no one else. Never let go of that moment.”

2010-03-27T11:41:00.001+08:00

“If you can’t solve it, It isn’t a problem – it’s reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you’ll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that’s the best way to look at it.”

2010-03-27T11:40:00.000+08:00

“You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heart of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lies on anyone’s shoulders but their own. You smile and kiss their face in the gentlest manner so as not to wake them. You turn back and an involuntary grin forms on your face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.”

2010-03-27T11:37:00.001+08:00

In the end, we always go back to the people that were there in the beginning.

2010-03-26T08:28:00.001+08:00

You know, the right guy won't get you to change. He won't subtly pressure you. He won't tell you who you can and can't talk to. He won't hide the fact that you're hanging out. He's not gonna tell you you're wrong for feeling; for being a girl. The right guy will show you off to his friends. He'll take it as slow as you want. He'll only go as far as you're comfortable with. He'll take you out to places, even if it's just a fast food place or the store. He'll actually sit through your stupid, girly Disney movies with you because he just wants to be with you. The right guy will come along someday, you just gotta tough it out and wait for him. But whatever you do, don't settle for the wrong guy. You deserve so much more.

2010-03-26T08:23:00.003+08:00

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

2010-03-26T08:23:00.001+08:00

“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”

2010-03-26T08:21:00.000+08:00

"It doesn’t matter to me if you understand. Don’t just hear me out- listen to me. Don’t speak- just listen. Just listen and respect my feelings. You don’t have to understand. I don’t give a flying fuck if you understand or not. Just respect what I’m telling you and respect how I’m feeling. Respect the fact that I am actually telling you the truth. I don’t tell the truth to just anyone. I don’t go out of my way to tell people the truth. Usually, I don’t bother explaining. But I care and I want to… so I will. So please take that into consideration before going off the handle and making me feel more awful than I already do. All I know is that I have to do what’s best for me. Even if that means letting some people down."

I don't know how to do what's best for me. :(

2010-03-26T08:20:00.001+08:00

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

2010-03-26T08:19:00.001+08:00

“The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace from that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing that we can do is play on the one string that we have and this string is, Attitude. I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it. And so it is with you….We are in charge of our Attitudes.”

2010-03-26T08:16:00.001+08:00

“It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changed the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it, it still happens.”

2010-03-26T08:14:00.002+08:00

Love is not just about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.

<3

2010-03-26T08:13:00.001+08:00

“Maybe happiness didn’t have to be about the big sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of the small pleasures. Walking barefoot, watching your favorite movie, eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Maybe happiness was just a matter of the up sticks (the traffic signal saying “walk” the second you got there) and the down sticks [the itchy tag at the back of your collar] that happened to every person in the course of the day. Maybe everyone had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. Maybe it didn’t matter if you were a world famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didn’t matter if you’re friend was possibly dying. Maybe you just got through it. Maybe it was all you could ask for.”

2010-03-26T08:12:00.001+08:00

“It’s just that.. I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It’s how life is.”

2010-03-26T08:11:00.001+08:00

“No matter how far life pushes you down, no matter how much you hurt, you can always bounce back”

2010-03-25T20:46:00.003+08:00

Chem was horrible :( Again. I really think this exams are screwed up ttm. Makes me feel like studying is so pointless because seriously, what's the point of studying so hard when it comes to the end of it all, you don't even know what to question means. Ok, chem was expected to be like that anyway, my chem sucks :( But the rest aren't meant to suck so badly. I really don't wanna fail anymore, it's quite demoralizing haha.

I can't wait for tomorrow! I'm going to let loose till Monday and then back to studying. I really need a break, I think I'm like burned out or something. And here I am talking to myself, haha.

I can feel myself relaxing a lot more today. It's like this whole big load off my chest. I just need to mug for one more day one more day one more day! I came into the car and mummy was like, "I can feel your tension". Hahahhaa.

There's this constant expectation of myself for myself. If you get what I mean. I don't wanna let myself down. That day, mummy asked me, do you have any regrets. I know the answer she was waiting to hear, but I said no. Because, really, I don't have any. I don't regret loving you. <3

Ok, back to physics.
I thank God for the end of this exams!!!!

2010-03-25T19:33:00.002+08:00

"It’s the worst feeling in the world to love & hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, & when you want to move on but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go & you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther & farther away. It’s so hard to think back to how things used to be & look at it now and realize that things are different & they may never be the same. You tell yourself it’s not worth it, but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it."

2010-03-25T18:46:00.002+08:00

Hello, I'm the Happiness Fairy. I've sprinkled happy dust on you. So, Smile. This crap is expensive!!!!!!!!!! - Tinkerbell

:)

2010-03-25T17:42:00.001+08:00

“You can feel when someone you hold close to your heart is slipping away, little by little. It’s when the mere thought of losing a friend can bring you to tears almost instantly. The pain you are beginning to feel can crush your entire heart. Yet everything that you try to do to solve the problems only push them further and further away from you. When the only chance of getting back to the way things were in the beginning is to hope this person realizes what they may be losing.”

I understand, fully.

2010-03-25T13:43:00.001+08:00

"I swear to you I’ll try my best. I won’t let you fall. I won’t let another goddamn tear run down your face. You’re everything, and I need you to see that. I’m sorry I haven’t treated you well in the past. I’m sorry I gave up on you. I’m here now, and I’m not going to sit back and watch you lose yourself this time. I promise you that."